For the one who opens my eyes – you know who you are…
Perhaps you’ve seen hints of it in my photos, or in the words I put to page: I’m hopelessly and head-over heals in love. This one great love of mine has been beautiful and true. He wakes me with birdsong and tucks me in with a painting on the western wall, every day! He feeds me, and heals me when I’m sick; gives my life meaning; fills my heart with gratitude beyond imagining. I just wither at the thought of losing this love of mine.
But I’m sad to say my love has also been treated like trash. You see, you and I have set about killing my love. Sometimes we take little cuts and the killing is slow. Sometimes we work with our giant machete and do irreparable damage; sometimes we don’t even know, except in retrospect, how our actions have injured this love of mine. We’ve generally just left a big ugly pile of crap in what was a pristine and entropic place. This saddens me greatly and while I’m as guilty as you are, I’m also very angry at you for not being more careful with such a precious one. I try to be careful and loving in return for all I’ve received, but I’m also selfish and that’s led to doing harm. I have worked at reforming myself a bit but I have little hope for all y’all. There’s just so many of you that seem to be oblivious to what you’re doing.
By now, you may have figured out that this love of mine is the earth. This amazing planet, this place of diversity and contradiction; this place of vast open spaces and billions of living beings; my home, your home. That’s who I love with the vigor of life itself.
Lately, there’s been an overwhelming sadness and anger inside me that ebbs and flows with the days. I might awake like the sun but as the day goes, so goes my pleasant mood. Other days I just awake sad and stay that way. Today, I realized why I was so sad, and I was able to put a name to it: mourning. So, I mourn, I mourn because I see my love slipping away, perilously close to a certain death And it’s painful to witness.
I’ve been sorrowing for a while but not entirely aware that what I’ve felt is loss akin to a broken heart. I realized the reason for my sadness as I read Jack Adam Weber’s article, “Radical Embrace: Breaking the Cycle of Unfertile Demise,” on Guy McPherson’s blog, Nature Bats Last. Weber put into words so many thoughts I’d been thinking.
He synthesizes ideas and even posits some answers to questions I’ve been mulling over. For some time I’ve questioned many things about the path we western humans are on (and influencing in others). I’ve seen the climate change, the large-scale environmental destruction, even the acceptance of poison in our own food supply, and been so confused. How do others not get this? How can they not see what’s happening? Since they don’t yet see it, will they ever? Does that mean that it’s too late? And, how do I, as an aware and caring being, live lightly yet live life to the fullest; life is a gift I don’t want to waste? Is it OK to drive to the woods if it requires consuming fossil fuel to get there? If I don’t go to the places that feed my soul, how do I survive the great sadness of losing my love – such a conundrum? If only I can see the dew on the slug, or ripples in the sand, or the drama of the sunset, I might be alright, I make it through, or at least avoid becoming an emotionally devastated, useless wreck of a girl.
All the while I’ve been experiencing this loss-of-love crisis, I’ve also been unclear as to what to do with this blog of mine. It began as an exercise to practice writing and clear my mind of creative thoughts and ideas. Lately though I’ve been lacking inspiration; or more specifically I’ve not been inspired to post, but kept it going anyway. I’ve posted a few photos with a few words as regularly as I could but frankly, I really have been lacking direction and focus. I’ve only been operating at half steam, unsure of what needed to be said and feeling conflicted about continuing.
So, I spent the day in mourning for my love; I wept me a river as they say. Oh broken heart I see how you ache. But that crying did me some good. It got me to thinking.
Now, I think I can see what to do. I decided I want to keep showing you what I see, so that you might see this love of mine as I do. Or, at least you’ll see how important this love is to me, and maybe take a step further towards changes in your life that preserves my life and sanity. As Weber suggests, one course of action is to share the beauty of the world; I interpret that as a directive to find the haiku moments in the world and share them with anyone who will listen (and then some).
And so, I have a little more purpose here. Those photos and words I share are my way of trying to break the cycle of demise. Because, ultimately, I’m still an optimist, ultimately I’ve been sad long enough, and cried hard enough already, and ultimately I don’t want to give up. I want to hope, and continuing to share this love of mine with you will give me that.